Mark McGwire Painfully Admits to Having Goatee

In a stunning press release yesterday afternoon, Mark McGwire finally admitted to inappropriate behavior that most the country already knew was taking place.

“All I can say is that I completely regret everything I’ve done,” McGwire said through an AP statement. “I didn’t want to admit it at first. I said I was just working on growing out a beard, or that my chin hair just grew fast. But it’s time to acknowledge the truth…I have a goatee.”

Some analysts think McGwire’s goatee usage dates as far back as 1984, while others argue it didn’t pop up until 1996.

Fans across the country have chimed in with their opinions.

“You could see the change in his face clearly. One day he’s clean shaven, about 10 days later he suddenly has all this hair on his upper lip and chin, connected with a handlebar. I mean, what the fuck man? That shit’s so obvious.” Said Jason Stevenson, of St. Louis.

“He only did it for face health. His chin got really cold, and he needed to keep it warm.” Said Sally McNeill of Dallas.

“Uh, are you shitting me? You’re asking me about his fucking goatee? Didn’t that fucker do steroids, and you’re asking about his goatee? How in God’s holy name does that have anything to do remotely with the realm of baseball?” Said my dad.