Clemens Refuses to Admit He Was the One that Took the Last Muffin

In a statement released through his agent, Roger Clemens is still denying that he was indeed the one that took the last muffin, the one he promised his wife she would get. This despite reports that he will have to face possible couch time and will perhaps even be required to replace the muffin with a fresh one from the muffin place down the street.

“It was obvious he was lying when I saw crumbs on his face,” said his wife, who’s name Sporting Hipster didn’t bother to waste time looking up. We’re pretty sure she’s a bitch anyways.

“I deny any wrongdoing, and challenge her to come up with viable evidence. Sure, I had a snack, but it wasn’t a muffin, it was a fruit leather,” Clemens said.

Experts point to his expanded waistline and need for constant sugar as signs he has been stealing muffins for some time.