BALTIMORE, MD. – The NFL handed out one of the most severe punishments in the history of the world when it handed running back Ray Rice a two-game – you read that right, two-game – suspension for assaulting and knocking unconscious his fiancé.
“Fuck my life, FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Rice said in a statement. “This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I regret everything so much. My god, what kind of a man am I? What have I done?”
“I mean, I’ve seen some bad punishments,” ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said. “Jeffry Dahmer beaten to death in jail; inmates executed on death row; all that weird shit that happens in Quentin Tarantino movies – but this is by far the worst punishment I have ever seen handed down in recorded history.”
Victims of domestic violence against women the world over applauded the move, calling it “appropriate” and “logical.”
Streets were filled with revelry across the country as women praised the NFL for it’s courageous actions. Chants of “Goodell clearly appreciates women” could be heard as men and women clasped hands and hugged, some openly weeping with joy with the notion that the issue of domestic violence could finally be put to bed.
But some feel the punishment may have been too harsh.
“I’m glad he’s getting punished, don’t get me wrong,” said Marsha Smith, head of an advocacy group for abused women. “But this is even worse than I could have ever expected. I almost feel sorry for him. Poor guy. I just hope he can pick himself back up from this blow – unlike his fiancé was able to after he knocked her the fuck out. Unlike her, he deserves that chance.”
Marsha then simply shook her head and muttered to herself, “Holy fuck, two games.”
Fans of the Baltimore Ravens have taken the punishment as best they can.
“I’m just glad he didn’t do something really bad,” said local fan Jason Riley. “You know, like smoke weed.”