Tiger Woods responded to food critics this morning with a really fucking good breakfast. It was almost like he was a top chef again, with a delicious homemade hollandaise sauce, freshly ground maple infused breakfast sausage and perfectly poached eggs.

“He really came out of the gate swinging, I particularly enjoyed his mimosa,” said Ted Allen, Top Chef judge and pop culture food icon. As to exactly why he was eating breakfast with Tiger Woods, no one is exactly clear, but hey, just go with it. I mean, what do you care, really? You’ve got a job, a nice car, a decent enough wife. Just fucking live with it.

Unfortunately, despite his strong start, Tiger was unable to maintain his level of performance, and lunch quickly deteriorated when he served macaroni and cheese mixed with chopped up hot dogs.

“For some reason he took the time to actually piss in the mac and cheese, that really didn’t fare well,” Allen duly noted.

Word on dinner is it won’t be as good as breakfast but not as bad lunch.