Top 5 Songs by Athletes

There’s nothing more hipster than releasing your own single as a professional athlete. These songs are the hippest of the hip, as it were, and keep us hoping, praying, and rioting for more. Pitchfork would never, NEVER, touch this subject, so it’s up to us to tackle this age old question of science, once and for all.

Here are the top 5 songs recorded by professional athletes:

“The Superbowl Shuffle” – 1985 Chicago Bears

“I didn’t come here, to cause no trouble, I’m just here to do the SUPERBOWL SHUFFLE!” Ne’er have more true words been uttered from the lips of man. The 1985 bears not only recorded one of the most memorable sports songs of all time, they invented the hipster stache. And I’m fairly certain Jim McMahon’s mullet will soon be ironic enough to be on the scene.

Let’s be thankful that they took the full 7 minutes necessary to make sure to give everyone on the team a chance to shuffle sufficiently. This song also sent off a myriad of copycats, including the Seattle Seahawks and the Eagles.

“I Am Kazaam!” – Shaq

If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor: go out and BUY it right now. Then get yourself about 2-3 kilos of Afghani-grade Coke. No, not cocaine, I mean Coca-cola – you’ll need the sugar and caffeine. Then sit back, relax, and be ready for the (carpet) ride of a lifetime. I don’t care about all the albums Shaq put out of “real” rap, this is by far his best musical performance.

“You Don’t Know Me” – John Daly

Actually, John Daly, we do know you – that’s the problem. That’s why it’s so hard to listen to this song without tearing up. What a troubled, beautiful soul. (And awesome pants.)

“Must Be the Money” – Deion Sanders

Deion Sanders takes a moment to reflect on what exactly has changed people’s attitudes towards him ever since he went pro in 1989. I think anyone who has taken the time to look at themselves eventually arrives at the same conclusion; it must be the money (apparently even his mom thinks so, according to the lyrics). It’s definitely not his nasal “singing”.

“Who Knocked the Crack in the Liberty Bell?” – Muhamid Ali

Thought the Liberty Bell cracked in 1752 in Philadelphia, eh? WRONG. The Liberty Bell was actually cracked by none other than the greatest boxer of all time, Mr. Ali, in a severely underpublicized fight sometime in the ‘70s.

Not only that, Ali was actually Paul Revere and participated in the Boston Tea Party. What a boxer, but more importantly, what a patriot.

There you have it, the top 5 songs by athletes so far. Yes, I’m aware of the glaring void of Pro-Wrestler hipsters, but they really deserve their own article. And once again, I challenge to man up and take on a real issue like this one…bitches.