FOXBORO, MA — Tom Brady refused to speak with reporters following the New England Patriots’ 27-25 win over the New York Jets last night, for fear that he would find out what happened.
“I recorded the game!” He shouted at reporters before putting headphones on and racing out of the building. “DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”
Brady also reportedly ignored texts from friends and avoided looking at Facebook.
All was nearly lost when he briefly checked the scores of his fantasy league while using the bathroom, but once again coming through in the clutch, Brady tossed his phone for a completion into the toilet to avoid any possibility of learning how the game ended.
“It’s not easy, but it can be done,” says former Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. “I used to record my games on Tivo, and I managed to make it through several full games without ever knowing what was happening. After I threw the ball I would simply close my eyes and think of the the Lord Jesus instead of whether it was a completion or not.”
Brady reportedly also saved two beers from a recent dinner party just for the occasion. According to sources they will be poured into a chilled glass.