Hipster Watch 2009: Tiger Woods Scandal
Tiger Woods’ image is about to take another major hit. In the wake of a sex scandal and amid reports of a former doctor’s link to performance enhancing drugs, Sporting Hipster has learned that Tiger has several other links to really awful shit.
It has been revealed that Woods is possibly a high-ranking priest in a Satanic organization, known as Golfers for Satan (GFS). GFS reportedly promotes really shitty things, like praying to Satan that your kids grow up to be evil dictators. You’re hearing it hear first: Tiger Woods is a Satanic priest training his children to become fascists.
As if that wasn’t enough, it has also been reported that Tiger Woods may be secretly supporting Sarah Palin’s political ventures with full financial backing. The allgeations come from the evidence that Sarah Palin is a whore, and Tiger Woods knows a lot of whores, therefor they are clearly intricately linked in a high-stakes political game of roullette. Deception is also undoubtedly involved. Shame on you, Tiger!
Lastly, we have learned that God and Tiger have been linked, and sources tell us that God totally told them that he said he only kills puppies because Tiger asks him to. Dammit, Tiger!
As for why kittens die? God said simply, “I’m not really a cat person.”