According to the transcripts from Tiger Woods’ recent interviews – the first media interviews in months – Tiger Woods spoke quite extensively about his need for “treatment.” Experts are baffled at his odd use of this term in place of “fucking.”

“I still need more treatment,” he told the Golf Channel, clearly meaning, “I still need more fucking.”

Here are some more translations:

“I need extensive personal therapy” = “I need to extend my penis into a vagina”

“I will be receiving treatment over the next several months” = “I will be fucking every living thing I can find for at least a few more months, until I either get syphilis or my dick just plain falls off”

“I’m very sorry for what I’ve done” = “I’m very sorry that I’m not fucking someone right now”