INDIANA — According to sources close to the situation, tennis has been played in the state of Indiana.

This comes as a shock to you. You didn’t know that tennis could be played in the state of Indiana. You thought that people mostly played it in New York, or maybe Ohio. But Indiana?

Christ, what has this country come to?

The game was apparently played between a couple, a man and a woman, who were both white. The rackets used were purchased at a nearby sporting goods store a few days earlier.

The woman won the match with the man feigning apathy.

Following this news you stabbed yourself in the face.