Steak blamed for positive drug test, break-up, AIDS

On the heels of Alberto Contador’s proclamation that a positive doping tests was due to his eating of ‘bad’ steak, Sporting Hipster has learned that this isn’t the first time steak has really fucked someone over.

According to Brian Nelson of Houston, steak ruined his relationship.

“Not many people know this, but bad steak can actually shrink your testicles. So when this chick and me were ready to ‘do our thang’ after a really nice steak dinner and date, she kinda freaked on me. ‘Why are your balls the size of peas’ she said in disgust.

“That damn bad steak — if only we’d had chicken that night.”

Many scientists and doctors are now joining in, no longer afraid of ‘Big Beef,’ the big corporations that have sought to hide the hiddent dangers of steak consumption for hundreds of years.

“Sure, you can trace numerous diseases back to steak consumption,” says Dr. Jordan McJordy, of the Jordan Institute of Jordanology. “Cancer, being fat, steak sauce-itis, death, birth, hell even the common cold can be traced back to eating things. In fact, the poop I took earlier — turns out it was all due to the burrito I ate this morning. Who knew? Ha!”

It remains unclear if Contador was consuming the bad steak by mouth, or through a needle his in ass.