Romney rips Obama’s testicles from body and force feeds them to him during debate

DENVER — Everyone agrees — the media, your grandmother, hell even your pet weasel — that Mitt Romney soundly defeated President Barack Obama in last night’s first 2012 Presidential Debate.

But the defining moment wasn’t when Romney continued to attack a seemingly docile and distracted President. Nor was it when he reached out to middle-income families across America.

It was when he physically walked across the stage, grabbed Obama by the nards, forcefully ripped them from his body and stuffed them rudely down his throat, all while President Obama simply nodded and took notes.

The President’s campaign was in full damage-control mode this morning.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” The White House press secretary stated during a news conference, before hacking his own head off with a dull switchblade.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has been granted three extra afterlife worlds and 10,000 angel sex whores for his good Mormon deed.