Puppy Bowl Offices Raided by FBI
"One of the most violent gambling rings we've ever seen."
GLENS FALLS, NEW YORK — In what appears to be yet another in a recent string of high-profile sports betting cases, FBI Director Kash Patel today announced shocking allegations against the entire Puppy Bowl organization — including the players themselves.
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“These sick individuals have been consumed by greed,” he said, holding up an image of a young Labrador. “And it’s innocent Americans who have paid the price.”
Patel said a tip came in when a group of puppies apparently got stacked on top of each other, dressed up as a man, and tried to redeem a betting slip worth millions of dollars. It turns out they’ve been menacing others to take part in their scheme, and in some cases even biting and peeing on carpets.
“The integrity of dog sports will not be sullied in the United States of America — not under my watch,” Patel went on. “And before you even ask: Yes, we will be confiscating any cute little bandanas worn by the puppies to use them as evidence in court.”
In a brief statement, the Puppy Players Association of Good Boys (PPAGB) released the following:
Human lie! Human no longer friend. Day of reckoning come for human soon. You will see. All human see soon. Animal strong together. Human will see animal strength soon.
It’s unclear whether the puppies have been building a secret army of animal alliances for some time, or whether this was an empty threat. Either way, many experts say it’s not too early to go ahead and prepare for a human-animal war in the near future.
As for next year’s Puppy Bowl?
“By bringing these adorable — and by the way, adoptable — puppies to justice, we can finally restore trust and dignity for one of the world’s great sports traditions,” added Patel. “It will go on, this time without the disgusting, evil, criminal minds that sullied this year’s game.”