Obama Pledges Support to “Devastated” Lawrence, KS

Disaster struck Lawrence, Kansas, last night, when a severe freak storm originating from Northern Iowa suddenly struck.

“Whyyyyyy???? Why the FUCK did this happen??????” An innocent child cried into the night, clutching a Sherron Collins jersey – perhaps the only thing he had left. Aside from his 2200 square foot home on the west side of Lawrence.

“To the people of Lawrence,” President Obama said in a live, emergency broadcast, “we WILL NOT FORGET YOU! You have our unending support.”

Among the support offered:

-Reminders of how Kansas won the National Championship two years ago

-Talk of how they have a great “young” class of talent to carry the torch

-One (1) free Pepsi for each official resident of Lawrence

-24/7 live porn broadcast on all stations, for “distraction”

There is currently no casualty counts yet, but initial counts report at least 10 counts of punched walls, 13 shots of tequila, and at least one dude kicking his car.