Michael Jordan’s First Meeting as Owner: Why I’m Better Than Everyone in This Organization

Michael Jordan held his first meeting as Charlotte Bobcats team owner this week, making it mandatory for everyone from high-level executives, to players, to towel boys.

Here are some of the highlights from the meeting:

“John Guagliano: the broadcasting dude. You may have won an Emmy, but I’ve won six championships. You have one award. You think that’s something to be proud of? I have 5 MVPs. You won an Emmy for live sports broadcasting — I made live sports broadcasting.”

“Timothy Stensen: the kid that takes the dirty towels to the laundry room. You didn’t think I could fold all the towels myself that one night. Yeah, well look at me now. I’ll be the only one folding towels from now on, and what are you doing? Folding towels for your mom?”

“Kay Lowery: the HR chick. You may have helped to set up my 401k, but that don’t meant you some hotshot accountant. I’ve spent more money on one golf match than you’ll see in your entire life.”

“Stephen Jackson: I mean, just look at you.”

“Peter Smul, our CFO: my watch is better than yours.”

“Jason Cagnisi, the guy that sets up the chairs before games: I can sit like a mother fucker.”

The meeting went on for approximately 13 hours, until Jordan had successfully “one-upped” each and every employee associated with the Charlotte Bobcats.