Manny Ramirez responded to his positive test for performance enhancing drugs this morning in a press conference. As the cameras flashed, Manny seemed slightly bewildered and confused, but still seemed to be mildly enjoying it all.

As questions began to poor in, Manny seemed genuinely confused by the accusations. “Yeah, I stuck a needle in my ass and injected something into it. What do you mean, ‘did I know what it was?’ What are you people, crazy?”

He then held his hands up in the air, furrowed his brow and said, “You guys don’t just take whatever syringe you’re handed and inject it directly into your ass? Hell, man, I’ve injected unknown substances into my own balls.”

There was a short moment of silence from around the press room, until finally the entire press corps began at first to laugh wildly, then finally broke into applause.

In a related story, David Eckstein was suspended for life from Major League Baseball due to failure to meet minimum weight requirements and a lack of drastic increases in home runs within the last year.