While most riders rested comfortably in hotels receiving full body massages, Lance Armstrong was riding 100 miles up a category 1 climb, “just to make sure the pain’s still there.”

“My coaches all insisted I rest, give my legs a little break. But then I remembered, I’m Lance fucking Armstrong. So I stabbed myself about 40 times in the neck, broke both my ankles, and headed out for a ride.”

Pain has yet to be reached for comment, but is expected to wimper in fear at the mention of Armstrong.