Kobe Bryant’s Game 5 Strategy: More Nostril Breathing

Kobe Bryant, in a press conference yesterday, announced some tweaks he would make for game 5 of the NBA Western Conference Finals to ensure a better overall performance. Among them, more distribution of the ball, better rebounding, and “most importantly” – more nostril breathing.

“I opened my mouth to take in oxygen way too often in that game. But that’s what happens when you play in Denver, you end up opening your mouth to breathe. But we just wanted at least one game where our nostrils were used consistently for the intake of air, so we got what we came for.

“Now it’s time to go back to L.A. and see if we can’t use our heads a little more – specifically the sinus portion of our heads.”

In response to Kobe’s comments, Kenyon Martin had this to say: “Shit, we ain’t gonna even breath nuthin’ through no oraphus, we straight do osmosis breathin’ and shit, I ain’t gonna not do no breathin’ for no one that ain’t not breathin’ osmosis and shit.”

As of press time it is still unclear if Phil Jackson indeed has a nose.