Joe Paterno to Retire With Fond Farewells, Class, and Clean Record

Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State. He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes.

“What else can you possibly say about this guy?” Said University President Graham Spanier. “He’s run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way. I’m totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone’s thinking, and you know what? I can’t do it.”

Paterno’s retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all. It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned.

When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, “Nope, can’t think of one negative thing.”