Jar-Jar Binks Named Head Coach of Cleveland Browns
Ownership goes intergalactic after failing to find anyone on Earth who wanted the job.
CLEVELAND — Just when it seemed the Cleveland Browns might never find a good candidate to take on head coaching duties for this troubled franchise, Jimmy and Dee Haslam called a surprise press conference this afternoon to announce they’d found a candidate — and not one anyone had expected.
“As you know, we’ve searched this entire planet trying to find someone, anyone who would be willing to take this job,” Jimmy Haslam began. “So we said ‘eff it, let’s look somewhere else.’
“And that’s what led us to a faraway planet, some would say even from a distant time. A place where monarchy still exists and a humble sea people have saved countless lives with their heroic deeds. It was a place, we learned during our travels, called Naboo — and I’m pleased to say it was there that we found the 19th head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mr. Jar Jar Binks.”
In a stunning move, Binks becomes the first resident of Naboo and first intergalactic coach to ever be hired to an NFL team — as well as the first confirmed alien being of any kind to actually exist.
While lacking any formal training in American football, or any knowledge of the sport whatsoever, Binks has said he’s a decorated player of a Gungan game from Naboo called “bubble ball.”
“One time meesa tripped and kicked da ball into da net-sa!” Binks said when asked about how his experience might translate to a completely new game. “On meesa planet, we use-sa fishies for da ball!” he added, unprompted.
And Binks will be tapping some other surprising names to fill out the coaching staff. Some kind of disgusting bug-like creature named Watto will become defensive coordinator, while a robot apparently named Roger will be heading up the offensive side of the ball.
It’s a move few saw coming — but according to Sporting Hipster lead NFL analyst Russell Kirk, one that could pay off. “It’s not totally unprecedented,” he posted on X, “just look at the success of Ted Lasso.”
As for any criticism he might face for making such a surprising hire, Jimmy Haslam’s message was simple:
“How wude!”