Five Tips for Beginning Runners

Getting started running is hard! Trust us, we know, as each one of us on the Sporting Hipster staff (that’s right, all 18,000 of us!) runs 1,700 miles everyday.

We thought we’d share our expertise with you, our beloved readers. Here are five tips for beginning runners:

1. Don’t amputate your legs.

Sure, your legs can get annoying. We’ve all had those moments where we were like, “What the fuck, legs?”

But if you’re considering running it’s best to keep them.

“Having legs is an essential part of running,” says Dr. John Chambers.

“Sure, you can get those blade runner thingies like that South African dude, but then you have to shoot your girlfriend. So, I guess you can do it if you want to kill your girlfriend, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.”

2. Eat foods which have nutrients.

Are you eating a strict paper-only diet? Stop it, silly! We’ve found that it’s best to eat food when beginning a running regimen.

3. Feel free to run over 100 miles on your first day.

Don’t be a bitch. Do it.

4. Spend $10,000 on running shoes.

Buy every pair you see, and only the most expensive ones. Pile the shoes in your living room until you can’t breathe. Proceed to choke and die.

5. Suck my ass.

Suck it.