Ernie Banks Ready to Enter “Isn’t He Dead?” Phase

Ernie Banks, considered one of the best baseball players of his generation, announced this morning that he was “pretty much” ready to enter the “Is He Still Alive?” stage of his career.

“It’s been a great run, people still recognizing me on the street, the occasional interview, but you know what? At this point I’m pretty much tired of it. All of it. I’m ready to just sit my old ass on a couch and watch reruns of daytime television. I’m ready for people to leave my ass alone — sheeeit, I don’t even care if they know I’m still alive. I’m 78 years old, dude. What the hell do I care at this point?”

Banks held a press conference in a local hotel to make the announcement, which 4 people attended. However, only one of them seemed to not be a homeless person seeking shelter.