Local Employee Holds Hour-long Conference Call to Announce Decision to Change Companies

Sporting Hipster has learned that local employee Craig McDougal has finally made a decision on whether he will leave Global Shipping Services for Ohio Healthcare Analytics and Research.

“I know I said my goal was to bring Global Shipping a Business of the Year award from the local paper, but you have to understand, this is is a business,” Craig said in a conference call. He sent an invite to the entire company e-mail list, with about 10% actually showing up or calling in.

“You have to understand — I don’t want to be 30 years old with bad eyesight and no Business of the Year awards.”

“Um, you’re like 38,” a co-worker chimed in.

“Well, er, well, you get the point. Just shutup. Anyways, I want you all to know I’ve thought this decision over long and hard, I’ve talked it over with my wife and my dog, muffie, and I’ve even discussed it with my agent — my real estate agent, Larry. And I’ve finally made my decision…”

Craig stood over the table, holding his breath, waiting in delight for his co-workers to prod him on. One co-worker noisily chewed her gum, while another texted on his cell phone. After a few awkward minutes Craig opened his mouth to speak.

But just as he was about to give away his big decision, someone burst through the conference room door.

“You guys, there’s fucking cake in the kitchen! FUCKING CAKE!!!!”

Everyone in the room quickly left, leaving Craig alone.

“Shit, I still have 55 minutes of this damn thing,” he said, looking at his watch.

Sporting Hipster was the first to break this story when it was learned that Craig had scheduled a happy hour celebration with his parents and wife at a bar a couple blocks away from Ohio Healthcare Analytics and Research.

Craig’s dog, muffie, was unavailable for comment.