Yep, we’ve all been there. You’re doing just fine checking out the latest Best of Craigslist posts, searching for tickets to the baseball game, and occasionally IM’ing your boss to look busy, when — BAM! — a shit comes a knockin’ and there ain’t no a stoppin’ (it).
As you pray to Jah that one of your other mindless sack of shit coworkers isn’t already dropping a load in the stank ass, poorly maintained bathroom, you begin to feel the burn. That’s right, that burn. The unmistakable rectal ache of eating the breakfast burrito from 3 days ago that had sat out in your car for 12 hours. That burn.
You think to yourself, “fuck, this fucking sucks! My ass feels like a god damn rectal fire!”
Well, Sporting Hipster is here to guide you through the next 24-72 hours of having diarrhea at work, in 5 easy-to-follow steps.
Diarrhea at Work: Try to Shit it All Out In the Morning
The first thing you’ll want to do is avoid having to shit throughout the entire day. It’s inevtibale that a little bit will have to leak out here and there, but if you have to be a few minutes late to work while you punk rock the toilet at home — all the better.
An alternative method is to arrive to work extra early. We recommend giving yourself enough time for at least two full on piss-shits. Keep in mind that your usual morning coffee will act to further stimulate your intestines. Don’t hesitate — get that first cup in nice and early to ensure the late comers don’t have to endure the sound of projectile shit-water pouring into the toilet next to them.
Diarrhea at Work: Courtesy Flush
If you’re going to be at work with your condition, you should at least show a little common courtesy.
After the initial blast of any shit-session, flush the John, will ya? This will help to ensure that your co-workers don’t smell the bits of last night’s Taco Bell, which will only lead to ridicule, and in some scenarios getting straight up fired. Some bosses will not tolerate an inflamed intestinal lining, so don’t risk letting anyone know what’s up beneath that otherwise sweet ass.
Diarrhea at Work: Make Fun of Anyone Else Who Shits in the Bathroom
You walk in to drop a load, only to find that someone is already breathing heavily in the stall trying to push out a turd —
Ridicule them endlessly, until they want to shoot their own balls off with a fucking shotgun (as far as we know, only dudes ever get diarrhea). This will conveniently distract the rest of the office from the brown stains all over your jeans and shoes.
Suggested taunts: “stinky shit head,” “shit for poop face,” “fucking cuntwagon dick sucking fucker head,” “poopy poo pooper,” “retarded pooping guy,” “bathroom using fuck,” “disgusting maggot ass shitter,” “he who shits,” “non-dick shitter,” “reverse dick shitter,” “shitting dick face,” “face of Richard Nixon fucker face,” “shit on my face you fucking Dick Nixon fucker,” and/or “Ronald Regan.”
Diarrhea at Work: Use Toilet Time to Catch Up With Important Work Goals
Haven’t jacked off in the work bathroom yet? Haven’t written up a hilarious informal poll on the stall? Haven’t played Snake on your phone for more than 30 minutes?
Now’s your chance buck-o. Instead of just sitting around with your hands in your ass, get something done for once. If you want to succeed you’ve got to show a little gumption, and when you walk out with that gleaming half-smile of confidence that comes only from masturbating to photos of Megan Fox in a bikini on your mobile TMZ app, your supervisor is bound to take notice.
*Hint: leave any strange colored or textured ejaculate in the office fridge to show the other dudes what’s up, and show all the chicas what they’re missing.
Diarrhea at Work: Buy Some Fucking Immodium You Dumbass
Seriously, just go across the street and buy some of that shit. It works, you idiot.