The laughter of children; the sweet smell of apple pie cooling on a windowsill; the sour odor of genital sweat.
That’s right, it’s baseball season!
For those of you unfamiliar with the sport (aka, terrorist fucks), Sporting Hipster has put together a beginner’s guide to America’s Pastime, just for you, you fucking terrorist fuck.
Here are 10 tips that will tell you all you need to know about becoming a fan of baseball:
1. There are balls
Balls! Balls! Glorious, heavenly, dirt-stained balls! One of the first things you should know – you fucking terrorist piece of shit – is that baseball involves balls. Typically they are round, and made of yeti intestines.
2. There are bats
The second piece of important equipment used in the game of American baseball is the bat, a live animal which normally feeds on the blood of cows and children’s nightmares. In the game of baseball, bats are trained and released at carefully timed intervals to hopefully intercept the ball as it is thrown. With luck, the bat will carry the ball to the moon. This is known as a “home run.”
3. Unspoken rules
One of the first things you’ll learn about baseball is that it is governed by a complex set of secret codes and rules which are known only to the knights who perform the ritual of “base-running.”
These rules have been rumored to include items such as:
Spit on the ground to show your love for another player
Never stab another player’s wife, unless the bitch deserves it
Always wear your cleats on the proper feet
Fuck you, you fucking terrorist
Baseball is a nutty game.
The best thing you can possibly do at a baseball game is to buy a giant bag of peanuts (we recommend 10 lbs. or larger), punch it repeatedly until the contents are sharp and irritating to one’s eyes, and dump the contents on the people sitting in front of you.
5. Terms to Know
Baseball has many terms specific to the sport, and their meanings aren’t always obvious. Learning this basic terminology will enhance your enjoyment of the game and make you look like an expert among your friends (that’ll show that bitch Joan):
Umpire: A priest whose face may only be seen by the man he is about to marry. He marries several men every game.
Left Field: A wasteland of animal bones and tar pits where the least liked players are sent to die.
Belly Itcher: An imposter who occasionally kidnaps and murders the pitcher, and is not generally wanted.
Terrorist Fuck: You.
6. Picking a team
If you’re going to pretend to enjoy baseball (because clearly nobody actually enjoys it) you’ll need to pick a favorite team. Will it be the Seattle Mariners? Will it be the Colorado Rockies?
No, it will probably be the Boston Red Sox. Why? Because you’re a fucking fucker.
7. Replay rules
New this season are instant replay rules, which are designed to ensure umpires get calls right.
The instant replay occurs when a call is contested by a manager and there is reasonable evidence to support a reexamination of the play. The umpires then hire professional actors, through a series of auditions, to reenact the play as accurately as possible.
Based on the quality of the performance, the umpires decide who lives – and who dies.
8. Seventh Inning Stretch
One of the most ancient and baffling rituals in the game of base-ball is the “Seventh Inning Stretch.”
It typically occurs later in the game, and consists of singing a song of the Old Times, wherein attendees are reminded to root for the home team and to eat peanuts (see above).
It is called a “stretch” to honor those who are very tall.
Now that you have this information in hand, you can purchase tickets to the next baseball game in your local municipality, and no one will even realize what a terrorist piece of shit you are.
Did we miss any tips concerning the game of baseball? Let us know in the comments below.