2009 was a great year for sports. Tiger Woods, it turns out, does have a penis, the Yankees are quitting baseball, and Maya Angelou succesfully still did not write one decent fucking poem. Yay for sports!
But only one can take home the illustrious Sports Hipster of the Year award.
Here were 2009’s nomineees:
Jay Cutler: A boner-fide whiner that throws more interceptions than I eat donuts. That’s like six a day. His selfishness not only caused an uproar in Denver, it also successfully ruined Chicago’s chance of reaching a Super Bowl ever again. Jay Cutler.
Swine Flu: the Swine Flu scare of aught-nine turned out to be nothing more than a milder than usual killer virus. It halted activities across the world, including numerous sporting events. The fear seemed to be that an athlete might sneeze on a ball, then throw that ball to someone else, who would in turn lick the ball, then fling it, soaked in saliva, into the crowd. Swine Flu.
Rick Pitino: Rick Pitino showed how much of a man he is by bringing extortion charges towards a woman attempting to blackmail him. Also by showing us how he likes to bang chicks on restaurant tables and then pay for their lovechild to be aborted. Rick Pitino.
And the winner is:
Congrats, Jay. You’re not only in sports and a hipster, which are both eligibility requirements of the award, but you’re also a fuck. A dirty, dirty fuck.
What Sports Hipster of the Year nominees await us in 2010? Only time will tell…