What would you do if you thought you were above the law? Shoot up the Walmart? Impregnate a pig? Impersonate Madonna in a liquor store naked?
These 3 athletes have the privilege of actually being above the law, and if you ever find yourself in their position, here’s some ideas on what YOU can do to have a good time.
Fucked Up Things Athletes Did #3: Shawn Merriman is a Cheater and Choked a Bitch
What he did: Shawn Merriman, whose last name in no way makes any sense, was busted in 2006 for good ol’ roids. Which explains why he was able to eat the offensive linemen before ripping the quarterback’s balls off with his teeth. ESPN’s Chris Mortenson reported that his source had told him that the suspension was “definitely for steroid use and not a ‘supplement-type’ suspension.” Oddly enough, Merriman responded that the positive test just had to be from a supplement he was taking. Funny guy, that Merriman.
How he got off: That same year, Merriman won the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award. The same comitte that made this decision also awarded Barry Bonds the Most Honest Baseball Player Ever award. Mostly because they’re fucking retards.
What else he did: Tila Tequila claimed that Merriman choked and restrained her in September, 2009.
How he got off: First, all charges were dropped and everyone present at the incident said Tila Tequila was a drunk whore. Secondly, look at that drunk whore — can you honestly say you don’t want to choke her?
Fucked Up Things Athletes Did #2: Kobe Bryant is a Rapist
What he did: Jesus, just look at that smug fucking face. In 2003, the Sheriff’s office of Eagle County, Colorado arrested Kobe on sexual assault allegations. Upon hearing he was being charged with this crime, Kobe slapped his dick in the faces of the police, who simply laughed and couldn’t wait to tell their kids.
Later on, it turned out the chick he raped is actually really slutty, which hurt her case. However, let’s not forget this statement Kobe made when they settled a civil case out of court: “Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did.”
Uhhh…what the fuck did you just fucking say?
“Although I truly believe this encounter between us was consensual, I recognize now that she did not and does not view this incident the same way I did.”
Right, so, um…doesn’t that mean you just admitted to fucking raping someone?
How he got off: First, the sluttiness of this chick caused the charges to be dropped. Secondly, this incident seems to have been completely forgotten in the media. Nobody seems to give a shit that he essentially fucking admitted to raping someone. Not to mention, he admitted outright to cheating on his hot ass wife! If nothing else, we should recognize him as a fucking asshole! Fuck that! He’s a misogynist fuck!
None the less, you can actually hear commentators cumming all over themselves when he hits a clutch 3 in the playoffs.
Fucked Up Things Athletes Did #1: Ray Lewis is a Murderer
What he did: In January 2000, there was an altercation between Lewis’ posse, and rapper Chino Nino’s posse (I agree, his rapper name alone is grounds for assault). Two young men died from stab wounds.
When police investigated the scene, many of the witnesses said they saw Ray Lewis directly involved in the stabbing. However, when it came to trial, their stories completely changed, and they were unable to convict Lewis.
How he got off: He had a rough couple of months, but look at the fucker. He’s making fucking millions of dollars playing a fucking game, getting recognized by the media consistently as a great player, while two young men are dead, and their families have to turn on the TV every Sunday to see their child’s fucking killer getting interviewed by some sideline skank.
Fucked Up Things Athletes Did: Conclusion
This has been a fun-filled ride through the world of dickhead athletes that can get away with anything — literally even with murder.