2009 PGA Championship Preview: Balls and Shit

Golf. Ahhh, nothing gets me tittilating more than a(n) (a)rousing round of dudes in khakis gently washing small white balls. Today begins one of the most (a)rousing tournaments in the PGA season — the PGA Championship, being held at the Hazelnut National Golf Club somewhere deep in the woods of Minnesota.

That’s right, the golf club for the 2009 PGA Championship is being held somewhere who’s most prized commodity is a hazelnut. In honor of this nut, some players have decided to use nuts in leiu of the traditional ball.

There’s a lot of exciting match-ups, pants, and holes this year at the PGA Championship, but I’m not going to waste your time with the stats, predictions, etc. Because that’s all BULL shit. I want to boil this down to what golf — and really, all of life — is really about:

balls.

Or in netspeak: teh ballz. lol.

Tiger this, Tiger that — fuck you. Gimmie some BALLLLLSSS!!!! I want white balls, dimpled balls, grassy balls, cleansed balls — gimmie gimmie gimmie!!! Balls!!!

And sacks! I can’t wait to see those big sacks being lugged around by young men in their prime, pulling out long rods at every chance.

So don’t bother me with your fucking “predictions.” You don’t know shit about golf, asshole. The 2009 PGA Championship will be won on one thing and one thing alone: not being a pussy ass golfer. Show me your balls you bitches.

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