“These sick individuals have been consumed by greed,” he said, holding up an image of a young Labrador. “And it’s innocent Americans who have paid the price.”

Patel said a tip came in when a group of puppies apparently got stacked on top of each other, dressed up as a man, and tried to redeem a betting slip worth millions of dollars. It turns out they’ve been menacing others to take part in their scheme, and in some cases even biting and peeing on carpets.

“The integrity of dog sports will not be sullied in the United States of America — not under my watch,” Patel went on. “And before you even ask: Yes, we will be confiscating any cute little bandanas worn by the puppies to use them as evidence in court.”

In a brief statement, the Puppy Players Association of Good Boys (PPAGB) released the following:

Human lie! Human no longer friend. Day of reckoning come for human soon. You will see. All human see soon. Animal strong together. Human will see animal strength soon.

It’s unclear whether the puppies have been building a secret army of animal alliances for some time, or whether this was an empty threat. Either way, many experts say it’s not too early to go ahead and prepare for a human-animal war in the near future.

As for next year’s Puppy Bowl?

“By bringing these adorable — and by the way, adoptable — puppies to justice, we can finally restore trust and dignity for one of the world’s great sports traditions,” added Patel. “It will go on, this time without the disgusting, evil, criminal minds that sullied this year’s game.”

It will be absurd, probably include NSFW language, and generally not for for everyone. Below is an example of what we mean:

Yep.

If you like sports and you’re looking for an occasional chuckle (and an immense amount of stupidity), just let us know by making one of the selections below. Otherwise, we’ll leave you alone.

CLEVELAND — Just when it seemed the Cleveland Browns might never find a good candidate to take on head coaching duties for this troubled franchise, Jimmy and Dee Haslam called a surprise press conference this afternoon to announce they’d found a candidate — and not one anyone had expected.

“As you know, we’ve searched this entire planet trying to find someone, anyone who would be willing to take this job,” Jimmy Haslam began. “So we said ‘eff it, let’s look somewhere else.’

“And that’s what led us to a faraway planet, some would say even from a distant time. A place where monarchy still exists and a humble sea people have saved countless lives with their heroic deeds. It was a place, we learned during our travels, called Naboo — and I’m pleased to say it was there that we found the 19th head coach of the Cleveland Browns, Mr. Jar Jar Binks.”

In a stunning move, Binks becomes the first resident of Naboo and first intergalactic coach to ever be hired to an NFL team — as well as the first confirmed alien being of any kind to actually exist.

While lacking any formal training in American football, or any knowledge of the sport whatsoever, Binks has said he’s a decorated player of a Gungan game from Naboo called “bubble ball.”

“One time meesa tripped and kicked da ball into da net-sa!” Binks said when asked about how his experience might translate to a completely new game. “On meesa planet, we use-sa fishies for da ball!” he added, unprompted.

And Binks will be tapping some other surprising names to fill out the coaching staff. Some kind of disgusting bug-like creature named Watto will become defensive coordinator, while a robot apparently named Roger will be heading up the offensive side of the ball.

It’s a move few saw coming — but according to Sporting Hipster lead NFL analyst Russell Kirk, one that could pay off. “It’s not totally unprecedented,” he posted on X, “just look at the success of Ted Lasso.”

As for any criticism he might face for making such a surprising hire, Jimmy Haslam’s message was simple:

“How wude!”

Coming soon: The weirdest, wildest, and completely fake (satire) sports news of the week — every week.

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