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State of the Union: Parties sit together in historic address; Kerry and McCain a little too comfortable

History was made last night as parties from America’s two biggest political parties – Republicans and Democrats – sat together, in unison, during Barak Obama’s State of the Union address.


Some of the congressmen and women found that they actually had much in common, such as hobbies, musical tastes, and some even found they agreed on key political issues.


Things were going great.


But talk from Capitol Hill this morning is that things got a bit tense last night between two leading senators.


“At first it was funny to see John Kerry and John McCain getting along so well.  Talking about their favorite microbrew beers, chatting about funny things their wives do.  Then, something just started getting a little weird,” said Rep. Joe Flago (CA).





“At first they started like horsing around a little, like kids.  It was actually getting really distracting.  They kept poking each other and then one would hit the other real hard, and they’d say “owie” with this really pouty face.  And then they leaned their heads in together really close and just kept mumbling to each other in ever more serious and hushed tones.  It’s giving me the chills just thinking about it.


“Things got really tense between them — sexually tense…if you catch my meaning.” 





Kansas’ Markieff Morris Trying to get “Markieffer Sutherland” Nickname to Stick

Kansas’ Markieff Morris had a great game last night against Texas, and he says it’s all do to his new nickname.


“It just pumps me up, you know? I imagine myself saving the word from a nuclear bomb within 24 hours and shit, and next thing you know I’m draining threes all night.”





“He watched Flatliners the other night, and he’s been on this Markeiffer thing ever since.” Coach Bill Self said. “That is a great movie, though.” He said, chuckling.


His teammates are split on the issue, half of them thinking the bad ass vampire Sutherland character in Lost Boys is appropriate for Markieff’s high flying dunks, while others point out he starred alongside Chris O’Donnel in The Three Musketeers.


“It’s a hot, controversial issue that’s sure to steam up the locker room,” Jay Bilas said, rubbing himself.





Mark McGwire Painfully Admits to Having Goatee

In a stunning press release yesterday afternoon, Mark McGwire finally admitted to inappropriate behavior that most the country already knew was taking place.


“All I can say is that I completely regret everything I’ve done,” McGwire said through an AP statement. “I didn’t want to admit it at first. I said I was just working on growing out a beard, or that my chin hair just grew fast. But it’s time to acknowledge the truth…I have a goatee.”





Some analysts think McGwire’s goatee usage dates as far back as 1984, while others argue it didn’t pop up until 1996.


Fans across the country have chimed in with their opinions.


“You could see the change in his face clearly. One day he’s clean shaven, about 10 days later he suddenly has all this hair on his upper lip and chin, connected with a handlebar. I mean, what the fuck man? That shit’s so obvious.” Said Jason Stevenson, of St. Louis.


“He only did it for face health. His chin got really cold, and he needed to keep it warm.” Said Sally McNeill of Dallas.


“Uh, are you shitting me? You’re asking me about his fucking goatee? Didn’t that fucker do steroids, and you’re asking about his goatee? How in God’s holy name does that have anything to do remotely with the realm of baseball?” Said my dad.






Big Baby Wants to Play in NFL, Manage Video Rental Store



Glen “Big Fat Ass Crying Baby” Davis, has made it public that he intends to someday play in the NFL. Despite being an All-American basketball player in college, and winning a championship with the Boston Celtics, Baby still has a passion for football. But beyond playing pro-sports, Davis has even higher aspirations.


Continue reading Big Baby Wants to Play in NFL, Manage Video Rental Store

Yankees Calling it Quits: “27 is plenty,” says Steinbrenner



Following a dominating game, the New York Yankees achieved a professional sports worldwide best 27 championships. And it seems there will be no more.


“You know, 27 is a lot, and it’s going be a long, long time before anyone else even gets close,” said Hank Steinbrenner, the acting head of the organization. “I think it’s only fair that we stop buying up all the best players and we give some smaller market teams a chance. I mean, 27 is a whole bunch! Whoo-wee!”


“I came here to win a ring,” Alex Rodriguez commented, “and now that I’ve got it, I think I’ll just take it easy for a few years, bang a few famous singers or something. I mean, really, what’s the point of playing baseball again? It’s just an arbitrary game anyways.”




NLCS Preview: Jason Werth’s Mom Officially Hot

While it is a well known fact of science that Jason Werth not only looks like an Australian porn star, but sports one of the top 3 douchebag goatees in Major League Baseball, he’s bringing a new strategy to the 2009 NLCS – his hot mom.




Sources as young as 19 have described Werth’s mom as “doable,” and “totally, with a couple drinks I’d be all over that shit.”


Werth was unable to comment as he was busy masturbating to videos of himself hitting homeruns.