Category Archives: News

Man Has Shitty Day Because Fuck You Obama

DES MOINES, IA. – Tom Donnelly’s day started with the alarm being broken and not waking him up in time.

He was late to work.

“Then when I show up, all the bosses are having this big meeting in the conference room that has a bunch of windows, and they all turn and stare at me as I walk in 30 minutes late.”

This isn’t the first time Tom has started his day poorly, but from there it only got worse.

“Then my wife calls, and the kid is puking at school,” Tom laments from his cubicle, where Sporting Hipster shadowed him as part of our American Lives series.

Tom’s day went on to consist of even more heartache. He twisted his ankle, dropped tomato sauce on his shirt during lunch and even bit his tongue at one point.

But the most frightening part of Tom Donnelly’s tale is that it’s not the first time he’s had a day like this – and it likely won’t be the last.

“I hate to say it, but ever since you-know-who took office, this is the new normal.”

That’s right, Tom’s days have become progressively shittier over the past five and a half years, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United State of America.

In fact, Tom can often be head muttering “God dammit Obama” when he drops a pen at an inconvenient time, or fails to zip up his pants.

And according to research, Tom’s experience may have some scientific backing.

“Look at this chart,” says Chief Research Scientist of the University of Vermont at Chicago, Leif Fredriccson. “Here you can see the number of shitty days before Obama took office, and here is the number of shitty days post-Obama – or as I call it, ‘O-day.’ As you can see, the number of stupid, shitty-ass days has more than quadrupled since that fuck-face – pardon me, since President Obama took office.

“On a sidenote,” Dr. Fredriccson continues, “tell that piece of shit to keep his government hands out of my federally funded university pension.”

When asked what his research criteria were for what constitutes a “shitty day,” Dr. Fredriccson simply farted and waved his hands towards the reporter.

But not all is lost for people like Tom Donnelly. He finds comfort in knowing that others feel the same way.

“I started a Facebook group, and I’ve already got over 30 members! We can all share our stories of how Obama is fucking us each and every day.

“One woman told us the other day how Obama made the line long at the bank, and a young man getting ready to go to college talked about how Obama made him watch and masturbate to gay pornography against his will.

“The good thing is, the American people are starting to speak up, and the Republican party is as strong as it’s ever been.”

Sporting Hipster covers the plight of regular Americans like you as part of our ‘American Lives’ series.  Stay tuned for more installments.

Tennis Played in Indiana

INDIANA — According to sources close to the situation, tennis has been played in the state of Indiana.

This comes as a shock to you. You didn’t know that tennis could be played in the state of Indiana. You thought that people mostly played it in New York, or maybe Ohio. But Indiana?

Christ, what has this country come to?

The game was apparently played between a couple, a man and a woman, who were both white. The rackets used were purchased at a nearby sporting goods store a few days earlier.

The woman won the match with the man feigning apathy.

Following this news you stabbed yourself in the face.