DENVER — Everyone agrees — the media, your grandmother, hell even your pet weasel — that Mitt Romney soundly defeated President Barack Obama in last night’s first 2012 Presidential Debate.
But the defining moment wasn’t when Romney continued to attack a seemingly docile and distracted President. Nor was it when he reached out to middle-income families across America.
It was when he physically walked across the stage, grabbed Obama by the nards, forcefully ripped them from his body and stuffed them rudely down his throat, all while President Obama simply nodded and took notes.
The President’s campaign was in full damage-control mode this morning.
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” The White House press secretary stated during a news conference, before hacking his own head off with a dull switchblade.
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has been granted three extra afterlife worlds and 10,000 angel sex whores for his good Mormon deed.
AURORA, CO — “It’s all about the victims,” the media told Sporting Hipster at a special press conference this morning. “In fact, we’re not even going to say the suspect’s name, which happens to be …”
The media then spent several minutes explaining their vow not to use the suspect’s name while using it approximately 18 times in 90 seconds. They also vowed not to provide media attention to the suspect, while noting every facial movement he’s ever made, where he attended pre-school, the color of his underwear on November 18, 1996, and the amount of uric acid currently in his body.
“But other than that,” the media said, “we’re totally not going to mention him or give him any attention.”
“Individuals in these types of massacres tend to seek notoriety and fame,” Jack Samson, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard University told Sporting Hipster. “So it’s vitally important that we as a society refuse to give these killers this type of attention when these things occur, we simply cannot — wait, hold on, I just got a text message. Looks like he just pooped! Holy shit, I’m putting CNN on,” Jack said gleefully.
Rather than entirely avoid using the suspect’s name, Sporting Hipster has made the editorial decision to use an alias. From now on, anytime you see us use “Dipshit Mcfuckfaceasslickerfuck,” you’ll know what we mean.