Preoccupy L.A. fails to gain steam


LOS ANGELES–A new movement similar in nature to the nationwide Occupy movement is so far failing to gain steam.


Derek McLincoln, a 9th year senior at UCLA, founded the movement on his website last week.   He organized a large march to take place over the weekend, with the intention of “doing things that keep us from doing other things — against greed!”


“Everyone wants to occupy this and that,” he said, in an exclusive interview with Sporting Hipster.  “But what about preoccupation?  Are we so preoccupied with occupying that we’ve forgotten to preoccupy ourselves in the first place?”


Derek expected “thousands” to show up for his planned march, but when he arrived he found only two children, who were actually waiting for a bus. 


“I guess everyone was just too busy occupying themselves with other things to get preoccupied.”

Joe Paterno to Retire With Fond Farewells, Class, and Clean Record

Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State.   He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes.



“What else can you possibly say about this guy?”  Said University President  Graham Spanier.  “He’s run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way.  I’m totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone’s thinking, and you know what?  I can’t do it.”


Paterno’s retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all.  It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned.


When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, “Nope, can’t think of one negative thing.”