State of the Union: Parties sit together in historic address; Kerry and McCain a little too comfortable

History was made last night as parties from America’s two biggest political parties – Republicans and Democrats – sat together, in unison, during Barak Obama’s State of the Union address.


Some of the congressmen and women found that they actually had much in common, such as hobbies, musical tastes, and some even found they agreed on key political issues.


Things were going great.


But talk from Capitol Hill this morning is that things got a bit tense last night between two leading senators.


“At first it was funny to see John Kerry and John McCain getting along so well.  Talking about their favorite microbrew beers, chatting about funny things their wives do.  Then, something just started getting a little weird,” said Rep. Joe Flago (CA).





“At first they started like horsing around a little, like kids.  It was actually getting really distracting.  They kept poking each other and then one would hit the other real hard, and they’d say “owie” with this really pouty face.  And then they leaned their heads in together really close and just kept mumbling to each other in ever more serious and hushed tones.  It’s giving me the chills just thinking about it.


“Things got really tense between them — sexually tense…if you catch my meaning.” 





NFL history made as first ever vagina starts at QB for Chicago Bears in NFC Championship

Vaginas across the nation are applauding the Chicago Bears’ history making start in yesterday’s NFC Championship contest.



The first ever player entirely made of a human vagina and nothing else started the game.


“What we have here is a significant sign of the progress this league has made in terms of diversity,” said Bill Gramatica, who notoriously tore his uterus lining while celebrating a made field goal.


But surprisingly, not all of the vaginas out there are exactly excited about the Bears’ move.


“That dude’s a fucking pussy,” said Christina Martingale, head of the Women’s Anti-Defamation League of America. 


John Fox Excited to Coach John Elway

John Fox, seemingly unclear on the current Broncos personnel, said today that he is very excited to coach John Elway.


“He’s one of the best qaurterbacks of all time, how could I not be excited?”  He said in a press conference.  When told John Elway is not playing anymore but is in an executive position, MR. Fox simply mumbled “Elway” over and over to himself.