Goodell: Next Year’s Draft Will Be Non-linear

On the eve of the first NFL draft to ever segment rounds to occur on different days, Roger Goodell is promising even bigger shakeups for next year.





“We started thinking, ‘how can we possibly top the big changes we enacted for this year’s draft?’  Then it hit us.  Not only will the rounds take place on different days — they’ll be out of order!  The 6th round will be on a Tuesday, the 1st round the following Sunday.  We’re also considering not telling any of the teams which round is which day, and also eliminating the clock and draft order tradition, and merely have all the draft prospects stand in one giant room and allow team representatives to “tag” the players they want with paintball guns.”


Reaction from around the league has been mixed.  Most teams say it’s “one of the worst ideas in the history of all the universe,” while one 12 year-old kid on the sidewalk said it sounds, “bitchin’.”



Syracuse Orange Mascot Actually Dude on Acid That Thinks He’s an Orange

A controversy with wide-ranging implications that could send shockwaves through the world of college sports has surfaced, and the epicenter seems to be coming from Syracuse University.  


It has been revealed that the man behind the mascot, Ollie the Orange, is no longer a student at the university.  And furthermore, he hasn’t attended the university since he dropped out in 1972.


His name is Oliver Sanderson, a well-born man who first came to Syracuse during the height of ’60s hippy culture.




“Urban tales of a man who took acid and spent the rest of his life thinking he was a glass of orange juice are grossly over exaggerated,” explained former professor Sally McPherson. “It’s actually that he thought he was an orange.  Oliver took what I would call a ‘fuckload’ of acid back in the ’70s.  Hell we all did.  I’ve ended up naked in jail more times than I can count thanks to LSD.  The university was originally worried when we realized that Oliver would have a debilitating mental disorder for the rest of his life. But you know what, we said ‘fuck it.’  Instead of bitching and moaning like little girls, we said ‘let’s use this to our advantage.’  He was already dressing up and walking around on campus dressed like this, so we figured why not use it — we promptly fired the dipshit mascot we had at the time, and voila, Ollie the Orange was born. We don’t even have to pay him.”


Aside from his hilarious antics at sporting events, Ollie expresses his deep belief that he is in fact an orange in several other ways:


-Screams “nooo!  You killed my brother and drank his blood!”  anytime he sees someone drinking orange juice


-Has painted his testicles orange and refers to them as clementines


-Sleeps in the branches of an old orange tree on Ol’ Farmer Jess’s land


-Weeps uncontrollably anytime someone uses the phrase “orange you glad.”


A similar situation but reversed is evidenced in the Gonzaga Bulldog (an actual dog) that believes he is former player and student, Adam Morrison.


“We’re not sure how he did it,” said coach Mark Few, “but I’ll be damned one day we found that dog with a little ’70s porn stache, just like Adam used to have.”


“This is not a new phenomena,” says mascot mental health expert, Brian J. Trofield, author of The 10 Mascots that Killed Whores: A Study of Mascots Turned Whore-killers. “It’s been happening since the beginning of time.  There’s many ancient Roman scrolls that hint at a popular gladiator that believed he was actually one of the lions, going as far as licking, or “cleaning,” his own ass in the middle of a match.  He was then decapitated.”


When asked for comment, Ollie simply stared with those big, unblinking eyes.