Big Baby Wants to Play in NFL, Manage Video Rental Store



Glen “Big Fat Ass Crying Baby” Davis, has made it public that he intends to someday play in the NFL. Despite being an All-American basketball player in college, and winning a championship with the Boston Celtics, Baby still has a passion for football. But beyond playing pro-sports, Davis has even higher aspirations.


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Yankees Calling it Quits: “27 is plenty,” says Steinbrenner



Following a dominating game, the New York Yankees achieved a professional sports worldwide best 27 championships. And it seems there will be no more.


“You know, 27 is a lot, and it’s going be a long, long time before anyone else even gets close,” said Hank Steinbrenner, the acting head of the organization. “I think it’s only fair that we stop buying up all the best players and we give some smaller market teams a chance. I mean, 27 is a whole bunch! Whoo-wee!”


“I came here to win a ring,” Alex Rodriguez commented, “and now that I’ve got it, I think I’ll just take it easy for a few years, bang a few famous singers or something. I mean, really, what’s the point of playing baseball again? It’s just an arbitrary game anyways.”




City of Philadelphia Officially Replaces all F’s with PH’s



The city of Philadelphia has ophicially eradicated the letter F.


“Phuck you, F!” Said Philadelphia mayor, Michael Nutter.


All across the city, as well as all over ESPN, people have been hard at work the last phew days thinking of ever more clever ways to make puns using a P and an H.


“Phrankly, I’d prepher phrozen phish over phree phries if I’m Phred Phlinstone!” Torny Cornhiser wrote on this morning, losing all care to even remotely make sense.


One child has thus phar been hospitalized due to Phillies’ Phever, but is expected to recover phully at home, with no health threatening symptoms whatsoever.


The city of New York meanwhile, has temporarily banned all PH combinations. Mayor Bloomberg was unavailable by fone.


Tim Donaghy: “I’ll Bet You I Don’t Go to Jail Again”

Former NBA referee and shit for brains, Tim Donaghy, was released from jail after serving time in relation to a gambling scandal involving games he personally worked.




An enthusastic Donaghy shouted to reporters, “how much you wanna’ bet I won’t go back to jail again?? Huh, how much? I said HOW MUCH?!?!?!?”

He was quickly punched in the balls and escorted back to jail on “dipshit” charges.

Phillies Fans Questioning Charlie Manuel’s Decision to Pitch Don Rickles



Sunday night saw one of the most exciting games in recent World Series memory, and perhaps one of the most memorable post-season games of all-time. History was made on a single play as Phillies’ manager Charlie Manuel made a puzzling pitching decision in the top the 9th with two outs.


In an unprecedented move, Manuel pulled closer Brad Lidge with only one out left to get out of the inning, and put in aging insult comic, Don Rickles.


“He was looking good in practice. He had good control of his punchlines, good velocity on his wit. But when he got out there, his stuff didn’t look the same,” Manuel said after the game.


Fans were stunned when Rickles slowly shuffled out of the bullpen, the 83 year old seemingly confused as to exactly where he was. As he took the mound, the first clue that things weren’t going to go right was when Rickles began talking into the baseball as if it were a microphone.


“The way these guys are dressed out here…who’s their stylist — Stevie Wonder??!”


As he continued to spout of one-liners insulting the players and audience, Johnny Damon casually walked from first base all the way to third, setting up an emotional win for the Yankees.


“I heard him saying something about Frank Sinatra, and knew that was my chance.”


When asked what he thought about Manuel’s decision to put him in the game, Rickles responded, “the thing about that guy is that you always have to kiss his ring when you see him —


the problem is he always has his hand in his back pocket.”