Lance Armstrong Rides 100 Miles on TDF Rest Day, “Because Pain Never Rests”


While most riders rested comfortably in hotels receiving full body massages, Lance Armstrong was riding 100 miles up a category 1 climb, “just to make sure the pain’s still there.”


“My coaches all insisted I rest, give my legs a little break. But then I remembered, I’m Lance fucking Armstrong. So I stabbed myself about 40 times in the neck, broke both my ankles, and headed out for a ride.”


Pain has yet to be reached for comment, but is expected to wimper in fear at the mention of Armstrong.

In Tribute to Michael Jackson, Athletes Perform Unison Crotch Grab




As the nation continues to mourn the passing of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, athletes around the country paid a special tribute last night with a country wide crotch grab at approximatley 8:23 p.m. EST.


“It’s been a tough week, and I think we just all felt like we needed to do something to express our pain,” Jim Thome said after his game last night. “And the most appropriate thing I could think of was to grab my dick and just let all the emotions run free.”


“Sure, a little grab is a nice tribute,” pitcher Randy “Long” Johnson said, “but I personally kept my hand their for just a little bit longer, and threw in a couple jostles for good measure.”


Similar tributes are being performed across the country, mostly by 13 year old boys in their bedrooms.