George Karl Gaurantees a Win


George Karl has done the unthinkable, guaranteeing a win in tonight’s Western Conference Finals game.


“I can promise you this, there will be a win tonight. In the game of basketball, one team generally defeats the other, and I’m gauranteeing that there will be a winning team in some capacity after tonight’s game.”


Many local bloggers have chastized the comments as “retarded”, but Karl stands by his statement. “It’s clearly stated in the rules that the team with more points wins, and that will happen tonight. I’m 99.9% sure of it.”


Kobe Bryant’s Game 5 Strategy: More Nostril Breathing


Kobe Bryant, in a press conference yesterday, announced some tweaks he would make for game 5 of the NBA Western Conference Finals to ensure a better overall performance. Among them, more distribution of the ball, better rebounding, and “most importantly” – more nostril breathing.





“I opened my mouth to take in oxygen way too often in that game. But that’s what happens when you play in Denver, you end up opening your mouth to breathe. But we just wanted at least one game where our nostrils were used consistently for the intake of air, so we got what we came for.


“Now it’s time to go back to L.A. and see if we can’t use our heads a little more – specifically the sinus portion of our heads.”


In response to Kobe’s comments, Kenyon Martin had this to say: “Shit, we ain’t gonna even breath nuthin’ through no oraphus, we straight do osmosis breathin’ and shit, I ain’t gonna not do no breathin’ for no one that ain’t not breathin’ osmosis and shit.”


As of press time it is still unclear if Phil Jackson indeed has a nose.

Top 5 Songs by Athletes

There’s nothing more hipster than releasing your own single as a professional athlete. These songs are the hippest of the hip, as it were, and keep us hoping, praying, and rioting for more. Pitchfork would never, NEVER, touch this subject, so it’s up to us to tackle this age old question of science, once and for all.


Here are the top 5 songs recorded by professional athletes:


Continue reading Top 5 Songs by Athletes

Operation GJTSANPICC Now Underway


So far my theory has proven right – everytime I see a Nuggets player in Cherry Creek, they win a big game (two for two thus far).


Given that this theory has now been proven and become a physical law of the universe, I propose a large scale operation to ensure that the Nuggets will win every game from here on out. I call it, Operation Get James to See a Nuggets Player in Cherry Creek, or Op-GJTSANPICC.


This is going to require a lot of effort from everybody, so let’s get creative, folks. Particularly with the team arriving in L.A. today, this is going to require some quick thinking. It will also require A LOT of money. I’m thinking seven-figures minimum, so please PayPal me as much money as you have in your checking account, and at least half of your savings. This is the only, and I mean ONLY way to ensure a Nuggets championship. If you don’t give money, then clearly you are not a Nuggets fan.


So, team GJTSANPICC (prounounced, “gidget-san-pick”), Linas Kleiza did his job by letting me see him in a parking lot, now it’s time for your to step up and do yours.

Phil Jackson gives advice, perplexes Lakers

Pau, thinking he is being fouled.Late in the 4th quarter of game 6 while trailing the Rockets, goatee yielding Phil Jackson gave the Lakers some advice on how they could improve their performance: “stop complaining to the refs and stop pouting.” In response, caveman Pau Gasol replied “Phil, I’ve pouted and complained so much this season, that my face is in the permi-pout position. It would take months of face training to be able to stop pouting.” Then suddenly, Sasha Vujacic and his 5 o’clock moustache shadow, exploded.

Ron Artest is Awesome


“‘Five Dollar Foot-long’ is one of the best songs,” Artest said. “That’s a hot song. You’ve got the, and then ‘Five Dollar Foot-long’ comes on. When ‘Five Dollar Foot-long’ comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club.”

Highlights From Last Night’s Nuggets Win

– I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.


– Everyone was standing for the last six minutes, and it was until there was a minute left and we were up by ten that the crowd realized we were definitely going to win.


– I’ve never, NEVER seen that much energy in the Pepsi Center, even when I watched the Avs score a last second goal to win a playoff game. I mean, at that point we expected it from the Avs. There was a lot of excitement sure, but last night edged it out.


– I caught one of those parachute t-shirts, that was awesome!


– I’m not sure if my headache this morning was from the beer, the too small Nuggets headband, the constant screaming, or the adrenaline.


– “Beat L.A.! Beat L.A.!” was chanted in the hallways as we were leaving.


– What was that, a European soccer match??