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SportingHipster.com
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Written by Poli-Hipstario, Senior Political Correspondent
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Wednesday, 26 January 2011 08:20 |
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History was made last night as parties from America's two biggest political parties - Republicans and Democrats - sat together, in unison, during Barak Obama's State of the Union address. Some of the congressmen and women found that they actually had much in common, such as hobbies, musical tastes, and some even found they agreed on key political issues. Things were going great. But talk from Capitol Hill this morning is that things got a bit tense last night between two leading senators. "At first it was funny to see John Kerry and John McCain getting along so well. Talking about their favorite microbrew beers, chatting about funny things their wives do. Then, something just started getting a little weird," said Rep. Joe Flago (CA). "At first they started like horsing around a little, like kids. It was actually getting really distracting. They kept poking each other and then one would hit the other real hard, and they'd say "owie" with this really pouty face. And then they leaned their heads in together really close and just kept mumbling to each other in ever more serious and hushed tones. It's giving me the chills just thinking about it. "Things got really tense between them -- sexually tense...if you catch my meaning."
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Music
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Written by Joey McHipster, Senior RapMetal Writer
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Wednesday, 14 September 2011 13:19 |
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In a stunning development, the guy next you at your office just remembered that Limp Bizkit exists, much to your chagrin. "Oh dude," he was quoted as saying to you this morning, "'Break Stuff' just came up on my iPod! Remember these dudes? They ROCK!" 
He then provided you with a 20-minute recap of Limp Bizkit's career, followed by intermittent updates as he ignored the morning's work and instead spent ample time searching the Internet. "Check this out, these guys totally invented rap metal," your coworker said, citing a random MySpace page. "I hope they tour again soon." You then went into the bathroom, stared at yourself in the mirror for several horrifying minutes with the realization that this is what your life is, and proceeded to gouge your eyes out with dull scissors.
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Geekdom
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Written by Politco McHipster
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Wednesday, 30 November 2011 12:44 |
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LOS ANGELES--A new movement similar in nature to the nationwide Occupy movement is so far failing to gain steam. Derek McLincoln, a 9th year senior at UCLA, founded the movement on his website last week. He organized a large march to take place over the weekend, with the intention of "doing things that keep us from doing other things -- against greed!" "Everyone wants to occupy this and that," he said, in an exclusive interview with Sporting Hipster. "But what about preoccupation? Are we so preoccupied with occupying that we've forgotten to preoccupy ourselves in the first place?" Derek expected "thousands" to show up for his planned march, but when he arrived he found only two children, who were actually waiting for a bus. "I guess everyone was just too busy occupying themselves with other things to get preoccupied."
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Sports
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Written by Hip Penn, Senior Penn State Analyst
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Wednesday, 09 November 2011 12:56 |
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Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State. He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes. 
"What else can you possibly say about this guy?" Said University President Graham Spanier. "He's run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way. I'm totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone's thinking, and you know what? I can't do it." Paterno's retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all. It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned. When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, "Nope, can't think of one negative thing."
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Music
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Written by Poli-Hipstario, Senior Political Correspondent
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Wednesday, 02 February 2011 14:37 |
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CAIRO -- The world has marveled over the last several days as protesters in Egypt defy their current leader, Hosni Mubarak, and continue to protest despite lack of sleep and food, violence, and lost wages. "It's amazing," said Schmanderson Pooper, of PNN. "I really don't understand how they're able to keep it up." Sporting Hipster has learned why the protesters in Egypt haven't relented -- and why, we predict, they never, ever will. Tubthumping. "One day we just started hearing this music," Said Mouhmed Al-Mouhmed, an Egyptian who attended school in the U.S. "And it made us realize the shitty situation we were in, and that we had the power to change it. We're never gonna be knocked down!" Plans have been unveiled to put the song on repeat permanently, or at least until Mubarak finally steps down. "Your move, Mubarak," said Mouhmed, as protesters began to chant "Mubarak ain't never gonna keep us down!" in Arabic.
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